On neurodivergent accommodations, gratitude without toxic positivity, and making room for different experiences
We spend an extraordinary amount of energy trying to convince ourselves that we shouldn't need what we need. We tell ourselves we should be able to travel without packing half the bathroom, navigate a crowded airport without getting overwhelmed, and manage every change of plans without getting frustrated. We should be grateful for everything we have, even when we're exhausted, overstimulated, or quietly fantasizing about a room where nobody needs anything from us.
…and when we can't manage those things gracefully, we assume there's something about ourselves that needs fixing. I have a different suggestion.
Stop treating your needs as problems simply because someone else doesn't share them.
Understanding what makes life manageable isn't an admission of weakness. It's information, and when we use that information with curiosity rather than judgment, we create more room for ourselves and the people we love.
Your accommodations don't need to make sense to everyone else.
There's a travel trend called the Airport Divorce, where couples temporarily go their separate ways after security and reunite before boarding. One person wants to explore the terminal, find coffee, and investigate the bookstore. The other wants to locate the gate, sit somewhere quiet, and remain there until absolutely necessary.
Honestly? Relationship goals.
What interests me isn't simply the trend. It's what happens when we consider it through a neurodivergent lens.
For someone with ADHD or autism, airports can involve a complicated combination of sensory demands, transitions, unpredictability, and executive-function challenges. The person who needs to find the gate immediately isn't necessarily being controlling or inflexible. They may be creating enough predictability to relax. Meanwhile, the person who wants to wander around might be doing exactly what helps their brain feel comfortable.
Different needs don't automatically mean incompatible needs.
The same principle applies to packing extra clothes because certain fabrics become unbearable, bringing familiar toiletries, or carrying a book you probably won't read because knowing it's available feels reassuring.
We often call these things excessive without asking what purpose they serve, but an accommodation doesn't have to look necessary to someone else to be useful to you.
Of course, not every preference is a neurodivergent accommodation, and the Airport Divorce isn't a universal solution. For some people, having their partner nearby is exactly what makes an overwhelming environment manageable. The point isn't that everyone should travel separately. It's that we need to understand what actually helps rather than assuming everyone should navigate the same experience identically.
I explore this further in my November Substack article, Maybe You're Not “Extra.” Maybe You're Accommodating Your Neurodivergence, including the research behind sensory needs, predictability, and neurodivergent travel.
Gratitude doesn't require you to ignore what's difficult.
November also brings the annual reminder that we're supposed to be grateful. For our families. Our opportunities. Our challenges. The personal growth that apparently came from the week when absolutely everything went wrong. Lovely.
Except gratitude can become another expectation we're supposed to meet, particularly when we're already struggling.
I actually like gratitude. I sometimes name three things I'm grateful for before bed, occasionally recruiting my husband into the exercise because apparently marriage involves participation in spontaneous psychological experiments.
…but I don't believe gratitude should require us to pretend difficult emotions aren't real.
You can appreciate your partner and still need them to change how they communicate with you. You can love your family and need time away from them. You can recognize something good about your day without deciding that the entire day was wonderful.
Research suggests gratitude practices can offer modest benefits for well-being, but that doesn't make them a substitute for addressing real challenges, and it certainly doesn't mean we should be grateful for our way out of sensory overload or exhaustion.
This is where I find the principles of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy particularly helpful. Rather than trying to eliminate uncomfortable emotions, we can practice noticing what's happening and making room for the full experience.
You don't have to call the whole day good to appreciate one good moment.
In my second November Substack article, Gratitude Without Toxic Positivity: Finding Presence in a Neurodivergent Life, I explore this further, including a practical variation of the GRAPES emotional wellness framework that uses gratitude as a starting point for noticing what matters.
Curiosity is more useful than judgment.
What connects these two ideas is something I come back to constantly in my work: Curiosity Leads to Connection.
When we get curious about why we need certain accommodations, we stop treating those needs as personal failures.
When we get curious about our emotional experiences, we stop demanding that gratitude make every uncomfortable feeling disappear.
When we bring that same curiosity into our relationships, we create space for two people to experience the same situation differently without automatically deciding that one of them is wrong.
That's a big part of what we explore inside The SAME TEAM Society: understanding neurodivergence and finding more workable ways to navigate communication, expectations, emotions, and everyday life together.
As we move into the holiday season, there's something worth remembering.
You don't need to make every experience comfortable, every emotion positive, or every relationship perfectly harmonious.
You do need to pay attention to what works, recognize what doesn't, and make room for the people you love to have different needs from your own.
If that means an Airport Divorce, an extra suitcase, or appreciating your partner most enthusiastically when they've finally stopped talking?
Well, I'm not here to judge.
I'm here out of curiosity.
P.S.
Want to dive deeper into this conversation?
Check out my Substack, where I explore these patterns with more nuance, research, and real-life reflection.
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