When Cannabis Helps You, But Hurts the Relationship
Cannabis comes up in my therapy room more often than you might expect. For some neurodivergent clients, it genuinely feels helpful. They tell me it quiets things down, helps them sleep, reduces overwhelm, or makes socializing feel easier.
I believe them, but in couples work, I sometimes hear a very different experience:
“I feel like they need to be high to spend time with me.”
“They disappear to smoke instead of dealing with what's happening.”
“They're different when they've smoked, and I miss them.”
So which experience is true?
Sometimes, both.
That is what makes cannabis such an interesting relationship issue. The question isn't simply whether cannabis is “good” or “bad,” or whether someone is using too much.
The more useful question is:
What is cannabis doing for you, and what might it be doing between you?
Relief Isn't the Same as Treatment
There are good reasons to take someone's experience of relief seriously. Research suggests some people with ADHD or autism use cannabis because they perceive benefits related to anxiety, sleep, irritability, overwhelm, or other symptoms.
Perceived relief isn't the same thing as evidence that cannabis is treating an underlying condition. The research remains limited and complicated, and cannabis can also affect areas such as memory, executive functioning, and decision-making. In other words, something can genuinely help one part of your experience while making another part harder.
That nuance matters.
Relief can be real without being the whole story. Maybe it helps you finally quiet your brain enough to sleep, take the edge off sensory overload, or feel less emotionally flooded. That experience deserves curiosity, not judgment. The more useful question may be: What is this helping me manage, and what might I be missing underneath it? That shift can open up a more honest conversation about ADHD, autism, coping strategies, and what support actually looks like for you.
“It Helps Me” and “It's Affecting Us” Can Both Be True
This is where individual coping becomes a relationship issue. You may experience cannabis as regulation: I finally feel relaxed enough to be present. Your partner may experience the same moment as withdrawal: Why do you need to be high before you can enjoy being with me? Neither person necessarily has the wrong interpretation.
Research on couples suggests that differences in cannabis use between partners can be associated with lower relationship satisfaction and that cannabis use may sometimes coincide with more avoidance or negative engagement during conflict.
One particularly interesting finding is that frequent cannabis users in a couples-conflict study sometimes felt more satisfied with how a disagreement had been resolved, even when observers saw more avoidance and negative interaction.
That discrepancy is worth paying attention to.
If you leave a conversation thinking, “We handled that,” while your partner leaves feeling unheard or disconnected, the difference matters, regardless of why it happened.
Sometimes the Hardest Part Isn't the Cannabis
It may be the secrecy. The unpredictability. The feeling that one partner has to compete with cannabis for someone's attention. The way cannabis has quietly become a requirement for relaxing, sleeping, socializing, having sex, managing difficult emotions, or getting through the day.
Instead of immediately asking, “How much is too much?”
I think better questions are:
What role is cannabis playing in your life now?
What does it help you do, and what might it be making harder?
How does your partner experience your use?
Perhaps most importantly: Can you talk about those differences without turning the conversation into a battle over who is right?
That is where the Same Team mindset becomes important. The goal isn't to prove that cannabis is the problem. The goal isn't to prove that cannabis isn't the problem. The goal is to get curious about what is happening between you.
…because “It helps me” and “It’s affecting us” can both be true.
Once you can hold both truths at the same time, you can finally start having a different conversation.
That’s what The SAME Team Society is here for. A place to get curious, talk about the complicated stuff, and remember that you don’t have to figure it all out alone.
Come join The SAME Team Society and be part of the conversation.
Your Neurodivergent Life & Relationship Guide,
Dr. Ali Perkinson
P.S.
Want to dive deeper into this conversation?
Check out my Substack, where I explore these patterns with more nuance, research, and real-life reflection.
Want a sneak peek at some of my favorite ADHD-friendly tools?
💬 Or book a call to explore how we can support your unique brain & relationship — together.
