All-or-Nothing Thinking: How ADHD Warps Our Self-Worth and Spending
I once threw out an entire week’s meal plan because I forgot to defrost the chicken.
Did I need to do that? Of course not. I could’ve just pivoted, made pasta, or shoved the chicken in the microwave and called it a day… but in my brain, the second the plan wasn’t “perfect,” the whole thing was ruined. Into the trash it went.
That’s all-or-nothing thinking in action, and if you live with ADHD, I’m guessing you’ve got your own version of this story too. (Would love to hear about it btw - it helps to know I’m not the only one :D)
What black-and-white thinking really looks like
All-or-nothing thinking is like a bad roommate: always around, always loud, and always making you feel worse about yourself. It shows up in sneaky ways, not just in meal planning.
If I don’t work out for an hour, what’s the point of even trying?
If I blow the budget once, the month is already ruined.
If I forgot one thing on my to-do list, I’m a disaster of a human.
If they didn’t text me back, they must hate me.
Do you hear the extremes in those thoughts? It’s either perfection or failure. Love or rejection. Disciplined or lazy. There’s no middle ground, no grace.
That makes life exhausting.
Why ADHD brains are so vulnerable to this
This isn’t about being dramatic or “too sensitive.” It’s about how ADHD brains are wired.
Emotions hit harder. That “oops” moment doesn’t just sting, it burns.
Executive function is shaky. Planning, prioritizing, and adapting feel overwhelming, so swinging between extremes feels easier.
Rejection sensitivity makes it worse. Neutral feedback feels like rejection. Silence feels like abandonment.
So your brain leans on shortcuts: success or failure, good or bad, all or nothing. The nuance—the gray area—is harder to hold onto when your nervous system is already maxed out.
How it sabotages your self-trust (and your wallet)
This is where it gets messy. When you live in all-or-nothing mode, it erodes your trust in yourself, and that ripple effect touches everything – especially money.
Maybe you’ve said, “I’m going to budget,” but then one impulse Amazon purchase spirals into a shopping cart free-for-all. Or you start saving, but the first missed transfer convinces you you’re “terrible with money,” so you stop trying altogether. Or you buy the perfect planner, mess up one page, and suddenly the whole thing is in the recycling bin.
It’s not just about dollars. It’s about the shame hangover that follows… the one that whispers, See? You can’t handle it. You’ll never get it right.
That voice isn’t telling the truth.
It’s telling the story of your nervous system under pressure.
So what’s the alternative?
The antidote isn’t discipline - thank all things good!
It’s flexibility.
Instead of all-or-nothing, think both/and.
Instead of “I failed,” try “I got part of it done, and that matters.”
Instead of aiming for perfect, ask, What actually matters most right now?
This is values-based decision-making. When you root your choices in what you care about—your health, your family, your peace—it stops being about rigid rules and starts being about alignment. Progress suddenly feels possible because it’s no longer fragile. One mistake doesn’t topple the whole tower.
Building scaffolding that actually fits your brain
All-or-nothing thinking isn’t something you flip off like a light switch, but it is something you can unlearn, slowly, with the right supports. That might mean compassion practices, body-based nervous system resets, or working with a coach who knows how to help you practice flexibility until it becomes second nature.
Your worth has never been all-or-nothing, and neither is your progress.
If you’re ready to experiment with scaffolding that actually helps, here are some ways to start:
🛒 Browse my ADHD-friendly Amazon shop for tools that make life lighter (not just prettier).
💬 Want to talk through what kind of support would actually fit your brain?
Book a call with me here—no pressure, just a real conversation.
You don’t need to be “all in” to move forward. You just need one small step in the direction of your values, and that’s more than enough.
